Back to School Shopping

Have you ever noticed this time of year, whether you are a parent or not, that you cannot go into a department store without hundreds of children with germs buying back to school clothes?

This year was one of those adventures in Back to School shopping. In reflecting back on my day, I think the department store felt sorry for me in the end.

I just wanted to get in and out without spending a fortune. When your son has the feet and body of Sasquatch you wait for that 50% off sale, which just happened to be today. It would have been a quick and pleasant trip if my elderly mother hadn’t called complaining she was bored and wanting me to do something with her. Department store shopping wasn’t in my first fifty choices of things to do with my mother, who is blind in one eye, has no sense of balance in large spaces, is always hitting me in the shins with her cane and constantly complaining and repeating herself, but she insisted and bribed me with Starbucks.

Later she tells me that she didn’t want my brother to take her to buy underwear. So, I was easily bribed and put my Zoldorian daughter in charge of her, while I stayed in the men’s department with my son to make sure he stayed in the sales clothes. It wasn’t long before I was pulled away by my daughter and my mother who were looking for me for advice on women’s underwear. I suggested to both of them to ask a clerk. I found out that Zoldorians and their elderly grandmother’s don’t ask clerks for advice on underwear. Again, I was bribed by my mother, who insisted on paying for my kids school clothes if I helped her with her underwear issues.

In my absence from the men’s department, I eventually found my son standing around the check out waiting for a credit card to appear for his school clothes purchases and new backpack he was holding. Well, of course, one child gets a new backpack, both children have to have a new backpack. My bossy mother pushes her way to the checkout line and slings her under clothes all over the counter, demands they are put in a separate bag and directs her grandchildren to set everything up on the counter, so this man can check it out. There was a mountain of clothes that I couldn’t tell what belonged to whom.

Suddenly, I was confused. My mother couldn’t ask a female clerk about underwear, but she could forcefully tell a man to put her underwear in a separate bag. There was so much stuff on the counter the checkout clerk was sweating and not understanding whose underwear belonged to whom. The clerk looked at me for some type of re-assurance he was doing it right, but am sure all he saw on my face was a dazed look. I didn’t even have anything on the counter. My mother started repeating we were going to have to make several trips to the car, over and over. I finally told her to shut-up, as I handed bags and more bags to my children to carry out. When the check-out clerk told her it was $500.00 she said nothing, but I gave my son “The Look” and he knew he was going to get it when we got home. The checkout clerk gave my mother $90.00 in gift cards and she was so excited she told me I needed to bring her back to the store tomorrow so she could buy more things. I pretended I didn’t hear her say anything.

My mother clutched her bag of underwear as if that was all she had left in life and grabbed my arm to hold onto as we ventured to the door, with her cane hitting my shin bone all the way down the aisle. She just had to make the remark that I was much more stable to hold onto than my daughter, but I told her if she was going to fall I would land on top of her because she was clutching the arm I had dislocated and had no strength in, which she didn’t seem to care that she was hurting me as long as she felt stable. When we got to the door to leave the beeping sound of theft rang out through the whole store. My mother wanted me to stop because she thought she might get arrested and I just kept pulling her along to the car, listening to her complain all the way. Nobody from the store cared to even venture in my direction. I was done taking my mother shopping. I hope she never needs underwear again in her lifetime.


15 thoughts on “Back to School Shopping

  1. I hate to say this, but I laughed so hard I peed my pants reading this. I certainly can relate with my mother and I am sure my daughter can also relate to this with her grandmother.

  2. ROTFLMAO! Never thought anyone would ever go through what I went through with my grandmother. Hoping I don’t have to deal with it again when my mom gets that age.

  3. Hey,

    I was there and that was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. When we walked into the store my Nana wanted to hold on to my shoulder and shirt because she could not balance and she stopped in the middle of the aisle where people are walking, but kept holding on to my shirt when I was still walking. She starts to choke me and is loudly telling me in front of these people I was being bad for walking when she stopped!! I don’t want to relive that again.:♥)

  4. This is the funniest thing I have ever read including the comment of your daughter. I am so glad I have 4 older sisters to deal with my elderly Mom, but on the other hand my sisters didn’t want to deal with my dad when it was a guy thing and he was sick in the hospital with just a gown on and needed a bath. My sister’s left the room and my father ran off the female nurse. My mom was home sick with the flu, so I was given the honors. I put myself in his place and it really was my job because he was my dad and I was the only guy he really trusted at the moment.  I would do what needed to be done for my Mom, but I don’t think my Mom would want me too, knowing she has daughters to deal with her personal things in life.

  5. How come we have the same gene pool and I don’t see any humor in back to school shopping or taking my mother shopping.

  6. OMG! I have never related to a story as much as this one. Only it’s my mother-in-law that has an uncanny ability to know when I have to take the kids to get school clothes and always needs to go with me to get underwear that she wants me to pick out.

    I don’t know who is going to take me to get underwear when I am old, I have 4 boys and 5 brothers. My husband has 2 brothers and no sisters. Now I am concerned over something I never gave a second thought to until tonight.

  7. Is this what I have to look forward with my mother. I have no sisters. I have a hard enough time acknowledging my girlfriend in the store when she is buying tampons.

  8. This post was so funny, but by the comments from the men, you really don’t know this Princess very well.

    Nothing bothers her and if you complain about having to use a bathroom with 3 other stalls where other people can hear you, she will tell you that anyone who claims they don’t fart, poop or change their tampons in public is a liar. She is just so cool and I have learned to accept that all of us have bodily functions and if it happens in public or for women in the presence of men, it is just normal. You guys not handling the monthly thing that women go through, just need to accept it and get over it. I don’t know why any man would be embarrassed, you really aren’t the one having to deal with it, but you really should accept it. It’s a part of life.

    BTW, breaking up with a woman who has PMS, is your inability to deal with reality and if your mother needs assistance with whatever is her issue then you need to accept that and get it done for her just because she is your mother.

  9. At my age I really appreciate woman like the celticprincess and Jade speaking up in the defence of woman. I am finding that it makes me more honest when I have to deal with my boyfriend who seems to have the same views of the guys that have left comments on here.

    Maybe all of you so called men are so self-centered that you only care how you feel instead of how everyone around you feels about the way you are acting at that moment. Funny that I am human, just like you and my feelings are just as important as yours. Too bad that some of you can’t see that.

  10. Wow…This blog turned PMS city REAL fast. I’m there with you men! When we burp or fart in public you women just smack us in the chest because you don’t want to be embarassed. Honestly we don’t care where you are bleeding from especially in a nice resturant and you’re screaming at us because we didn’t pull the chair out for you or something compeletely random like that. If all you want is for us to quit complaining, all we want from you is to quit telling us about it!!!

  11. This was very funny. I am an old grandma with nothing to do. I got so bored my new neighbor brought me one of these new fangled computers and had to write everything down on what I am suppose to do to get on it. I am kind of having fun with thing new contraption.

    I called my daughter and had her read this. She laughed so hard it made me mad, but I can’t really help that old people are a pain in the backside.

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